Navigating grief and business ownership
Trigger warning(s): death, disordered eating, depression, anxiety
In 2021, I launched my business after leaving a government job due to severe burnout and unmanageable anxiety. The flexibility of entrepreneurship, which allowed me to prioritize my mental health, became crucial unexpectedly when, 14 months into my business, my father passed away from a heart attack on January 30, 2023 at the age of 62.
A family photo shortly after my brother was born in 1997. Love and miss you, dad.
Communicate honestly with your clients
Navigating grief while growing a young business in 2023 has been transformative. While much of the first week after loss was a blur, I knew immediately that I needed to alert my clients. I needed to reschedule commitments that would take place over that first week as I would be traveling to Kentucky with my siblings to be with my mom and youngest brother who was still living at home. In those first few weeks I had a few commitments I couldn’t rearrange and ended up facilitating a focus group and completing a proposal interview. I was super honest in all of these interactions – I let clients know right away that I was going through some personal loss, and that if I needed to excuse myself for a moment or from consideration for a proposal that I would do so.
Fortunately, I had the flexibility to navigate this period, with the understanding of a compassionate client in the aging services care industry. In situations like this, it’s helpful to have a network of trusted colleagues. I was very lucky that I was able to call up friends and colleagues and ask for advice, assistance, and coverage where necessary in the first month after loss.
“Grief brain” is a wild ride
Initially, I planned to take a ten-day break from work to be with my family in Kentucky after my dad’s passing. A mentor wisely advised that managing an estate, especially an unprepared one, takes months rather than days. I (age 34 when my dad passed) had not experienced the executor role prior to my dad’s passing. The days and weeks following my dad’s passing included countless phone calls, closing of accounts (especially after some fraud occurred) and appointments with bankers, employers, etc.
I quickly realized that my “grief brain” operated differently from my usual self. Simple tasks became overwhelming, and I struggled with basic activities like booking a flight or shopping at Target for travel size toiletries. My core Clifton Strengths include achiever, focus, and discipline. I usually THRIVE under pressure and have rarely found circumstances that I couldn’t to-do list and multitask my way out of. Death was laughing in my Type A face.
Over the next year, I learned to adapt my planning efforts on good days and rely on tools, such as project management software Asana, to combat procrastination during grief brain days. I found in the days after loss, and when my grief brain was at its strongest, I was overwhelmed by apathy. What did a deadline matter? My father had died! (But, as we all know, deadlines and keeping a business afloat DO matter.)
Outsource, outsource, outsource!
Outsourcing tasks where I could became crucial. In the first month, we addressed estate matters, prepared my mom’s home for moving, and settled my mom and brother into our home in Wisconsin. For four months following, we got my family settled into our home, set up accounts in Wisconsin, found my mom a new car, a new condo, and connected her with skilled financial and legal counsel, as well as enrolled for health insurance. (I’ll never forget how much I owe the intelligent people in mine and my husband’s network for their sage advice and for helping my mom in those early days.)
Colleagues’ advice to “let other people do the thinking” was invaluable. We ordered meal kit services, I hired a house cleaner, I even swallowed my pride and let people offer generous gifts of flight credits, and gift cards. You don’t earn brownie points for navigating grief by yourself. Let people help you if they offer to do so. Your life will feel as though it is spinning out of control – if there is a shortcut that helps you feel at peace – TAKE IT. It’d be a tough sell to find someone who could run your business as well as you could, but the cleaning service I hired did a much better job than I ever have of cleaning my bathrooms and baseboards. Money well spent.
Remember that delayed onset is NORMAL
The first six months after my dad passed were a whirlwind. A low dose of an antidepressant helped control my panic attacks, but sleep eluded me. THC gummies (disclaimer: purchased legally in neighboring states) proved more effective than CBD, ZZZquil, etc. I was surprised when the depression came later. Six months later, to be exact. At my annual physical wellness exam, the attending nurse ran me through the usual mental health screening questions. I was shocked that when answering the questions honestly that I burst into tears and received a concerningly high score. My doctor assured me that with the circumstances of the last six months it was not unusual to have depression set in once the tasks and busyness slowed. An increased dosage of my antidepressant now was helping to make me feel less numb and manage my anxiety.
In the latter half of 2023, I decided not to take on large new projects, reducing my workload by 50% from the year prior. Because I learned a thing or two about how to price my products and had been working to develop multiple revenue streams, it wasn’t as much as a revenue hit as I’d worried it would be. I simply wasn’t in a headspace to work full time – and that was okay.
Prioritize taking care of you
I was not happy with my health or my state of mental wellbeing in the latter half of 2023. The past four years included disordered eating, the COVID-19 pandemic, burnout, and a business startup, in addition to death. Despite efforts to exercise regularly and eat healthy, the stress and antidepressant led to weight gain. By the end of 2023, I weighed significantly more than I had during my most disordered years in 2019-2020.
While I’m not thrilled with where I am right now, I realize that my body has been through absolute hell these last four years and I deserve some grace. Recognizing the toll on my body, I prioritized my physical and mental health above everything else. What did this look like for me?
Continuing to go to talk therapy twice a month
Working toward coming off of my antidepressant (I hate the side effects!)
Finding non-medicinal ways to manage my anxiety, including meditation, acupressure
Reducing alcohol use
Carving out a daily wellness routine and blocking that time off from meetings
Quitting voluntary commitments, including some boards and committees that were consuming time and my mental energy
I want 2024 to be my year of mental wellbeing and peace.
Pay it forward for others
Having navigated grief myself, I now understand the importance of supporting others when they experience loss. I am prioritizing “showing up” for those in my life and network who have experienced loss, too. I’ve found that some of the best ways to do so are:
To regularly reach out and check in on folks navigating loss.
To offer specific things (a book, a gift card, to run an errand) rather than asking the general “what can I do?”
To share resources, be it the name of attorneys, books, or advice.
As a final note, I want to express my sincere gratitude for the people who have “showed up” for me over the last 12 months. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
